Shame

 


One is never so dangerous when one has no shame, than when one has grown too old to blush. Marquis de Sade


If we want to create emotional safety in coaching and in coaching supervision, and why would we not seek so to do, it seems necessary to explore the different emotions and feelings actually at play. 

One of the most powerful, a particularly strong source of interference for any human, is shame. Even a cursory glance at a dictionary bears witness to the power of shame: “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.”

That’s the noun. But what about the verb? This is interesting. A coachee or supervisee may create their own sense of shame but what about our ability as coaches or supervisors to be the source of or trigger for someone else’s shame.

Let’s go slightly deeper. Some studies (eg Brown 2006) have examined the role of shame in mental health phenomena such as lack of confidence, self-esteem issues, depression and more. These studies show that shame is a particularly powerful emotion which also leads to social withdrawal and isolation, which only further exacerbates many of the issues mentioned above (Van Vliet, 2008). 

Annihilation

Some have referred to shame as “an annihilation of self”. Powerful indeed and not to be overlooked in a mature coaching or supervision practice. We need to be aware that we are inviting experienced, talented professionals to reveal or expose their actions and behaviours in a way which is novel for them, so how do we ensure that the novelty is a positive experience rather than additional interference?

At best it seems to me that if we help others to reveal shame and to discover that there are no consequences for so doing (within the session at least) then this can be a liberating experience, a driver even for increased confidence. 

Shame versus guilt

We also need to reference guilt, don’t we? Lewis’s (1971) framework of shame and guilt tells us that when someone feels bad about who they are as a person because they have mistreated someone, they are experiencing shame. When someone, in contrast, feels bad about their behaviour, they are experiencing guilt. Often when coaching we will come across events which have already happened and which cannot be adjusted…definitely not of course if they fully are in the past. 

Adept coaching or supervision builds on strengths and successes but there is also an element of learning from mistakes. Facilitating and creating the conditions for openness, therefore, must count amongst the required skills.  Ah yes. The space we create. How we hold people. How we make it OK to focus attention on possibly painful professional or personal incidents. 

Since it is impossible simply not to feel a reflexive emotion such as shame, it is rather important to work out or raise awareness of strategies for over-riding feelings of shame. “I’m a terrible leader because…? or “I’m an awful coach for I…” can be debilitating mindsets for anyone; given the coach being supervised has such an impact on the coachee in anything they do then it seems even more apposite to be tackling shame in supervision. 

I’ve noticed shame in myself when operating professionally as a coach and as a supervisor. I’ve noticed too how supervisees are wary at the beginning of our work together. “Am I about to show you how rubbish I am?”

A model

There’s a fairly well-know model which is worthy of examination… Shame Resilience Theory (Brown 2006)

The idea behind SRT is to study the strategies that people employ to avoid feeling trapped, powerless or isolated when feeling shame. The objective of shame resilience is to help people feel “empathy, connection, power, and freedom” instead

It proposes that shame resilience follows 4 steps:

  1. Recognising the vulnerability that led to the sense of shame

  2. Recognising the external factors that led to the feelings of shame

  3. Connecting with others to receive and offer empathy

  4. Discussing and deconstructing the feelings of shame themselves


Relational

And yet I wonder if we really want a formal model here. I think it comes down to adept coaching or supervision, to the relationship skills and behaviours of the coach/supervisor. 

So what can the coach or supervisor do? 

Well I think we’re into the realms of:

  • Building relationships of trust 

  • Normalising shame - for example if someone reveals an action of which they are ashamed in a group setting, respond with “who here has not done that?” (normalising) rather than “has anyone else done that?” (isolating)

  • Being vulnerable oneself 

  • Focusing on curiosity and enquiry not judgement

  • Thinking out loud or musing rather than telling/advising - “I wonder…” is a fantastic way of exploring a topic

  • Really encouraging reflexivity - reflection on reflection

  • Avoiding over-identifying with outcomes and results

A question

The faculty with whom I have been studying offered a powerful question in order to open up thinking and conversations:

“What would you least like your coach/supervisor to know?”

It took us to wonderful places; it was challenging; it was catalytic; it was cathartic. 

And so…what would you least like you coach/supervisor to know? And when are you going to tell them/us. 

It’ll be OK.

We’ll make it bearable.

We won’t be judging. 


Shame is hard to confront. Even if you know it's baseless, it's still hard to come face-to-face with. Alex Tizon


 
Tony Jackson